The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal. It can't be organized or regulated. It isn't true that everyone should follow one path. Listen to your own truth.

-Ram Dass

Me and my identical twin brother Ryan at 25 at a celebration of life of our close friend Will Graham who had tragically passed from an overdose the month before.


‍It’s been over 10 years since I first sat with my unhealed trauma...
‍
‍"The roots" of my trauma were intertwined with my pain, my lack of self-worth, and my desperation to hold onto to the dwindling sense of safety that veiled me from uncomfortable truths about the nature of reality and society. Being told from as early as age 6 that my brain worked differently, that I couldn't read, or do math the same way as others confused me. I knew I could succeed, and yet the world would tell me otherwise, labelling me as ADHD, where the diagnosis was both a blessing and a curse. I didn't tell anyone this, but I felt like a freak. I just wanted to belong, to be normal, to fit in and now this condition made me realize just how different I truly was.

By early adulthood I realized that my parents (bless them for their struggles and their sacrifices) lacked a capacity to feel deeply, express challenging emotions or create emotional safety for themselves or others. Being raised by my parents felt like existing in a void which created distance/coldness towards the concept of family. When you normalize feeling separate from your own family... warmth , closeness and connection begin to lose all meaning. It felt like each member of our family was frozen in their own ice-cube with no ability to allow emotions in. As a child I often felt like there were never the right conditions for love to be felt.

One of the darkest memories of my early childhood was a nightmare I had at age 8 about my mom being physically abused and emotionally neglected by my dad, followed by all the other males in the family... including myself. This broke my heart, and as a result a very angry and resentful "Part" formed and began to seek shelter from this fear of becoming like my dad. But he wasn't really the monster like in my dream, he struggled at times but I knew deep down he wasn't the demonized version of him I imagined as a child. It took me over 20 years to realize who my father actually is, accepting all parts of him, his unhealed trauma and more recently after 8 ayahuasca ceremonies unlocking the love in my heart and to begin to understand the reality of fatherhood.

From here, a deeply locked away shameful part of me developed to be a kind of "dark knight", playing the role of caregiver, protector, gatekeeper to emotions, and overall played a necessary role in my recovery process. But the disconnect from my heart, from my body, from my emotions and truthfully, my spirit, lead me to dive into a world of drug use, drinking heavily some nights, experiencing disturbing states of consciousness through reckless psychedelic use and overall, making some of the worst decisions of my entire life. I was on a bad path, and if you'd seen me at that time in my life, you might have assumed I would end up somewhere on skid row, dead, or in jail.

But something deep inside me called out for help, at the exact time I needed it. One could call it a divine intervention, or maybe I had finally felt a glimpse of hope while stuck in the darkness. Some could say psychedelic mushrooms, nature, music, or painting saved my life... but ultimately I feel like its the people we meet that truly change us. Even just a moment of connection, when we are in the deepest, darkest pit, can truly change everything for the better.  

When you learn how to cultivate inner stillness, regulating a once chaotic nervous system...your body will finally "speak". And it knows the full story

Years of studying, discipline and introspection later I began learning ways to self-heal and my hunger for growth inspired me to keep searching for new and creative ways to sustain this newfound inner-harmony. Before I knew it, I started to sense this “inner knowing” that was like a humming vibration beckoning that I become “of service”. The voice was quiet at first and gradually became louder and louder until I could ignore the call no more, so I started learning how to become a healer. How can one “become” a healer you might ask? As I see it, it’s quite simple… do the work. Learn your patterns, heal your nervous system, cultivate awareness.

After substantial changes to my mind, body and spirit I was no longer the troubled youth I once was. The emotionally intelligent adult who my “inner child” had always needed had begun to emerge. Through his guidance there surfaced new levels of creative expression, and perhaps most importantly, the emergence of courageous acts of love.

For me, "self-healing" isn't a performance or a weekly practice. It's become imbedded into almost everything I do.

‍As I felt the magnetic force pull me inward, it wasn’t long until the song of community began to be sung. Just like before, these words began quietly and unlike my call to be of service, was often competing with the booming voice of my ego. But much “louder” than that, were my wounds of disconnection from a very emotionally distant family. But no matter how alone I felt I'll always have my identical twin brother, a sacred mirror. Through him I feel like I can connect with my heart-space and realize my ancestral dharma. We all have access to this sacred mirror and through it we unlock the doors to a childlike wonder balanced with a noble mission of stewardship to the land we call home. To embark on the quest of a lifetime, embracing through the lens of an open heart and a hungry spirit with gratitude and clairvoyance.

‍You are never truly alone, and when we dispel the illusion of separation the inner healer emerges

‍When we access our inner healer and realize our unique awe-inspiring sense of inner-knowing, the true Self begins to dance like a joyful child. Laughing playfully and weaving exuberantly to the rhythm of the universal drum. From here the real journey begins. While studying counselling I realized that joy, playfulness and free expression are healing for the mind, body and spirit. Determined not to take life so seriously, I named my coaching practice "A Joyful Shadow". A couple years later, while in Ecuador I learned about the "Feather of Light", a practice that came to me in an ayahuasca vision. This is no metaphor, and it's a guiding principle for how I conduct my energetic hygiene, cleaning myself carefully and ritualistically as I continue to learn about how to best maintain my mental and emotional health.

May we walk together and find the honest path to live in a good way. If listen carefully we can hear the ceremonial drum that beats like a mother’s heartbeat in the womb playing the soft rhythm of Pachamama’s heart. May you remember that you are tethered to her energy, just as we are tethered to this planet, to each other, and to our highest expression of self.

I look forward to meeting your highest Self, may we walk this great mystery of life together.

Huy ch q'a sqwélqwel sqwúyus, huy ch q'a O' siem! These words mean: Thank you, for the teachings, thank you ancestors in the original language of the Salishean Indigneous peoples, hən̓q̓əmin̓əm̓ (halkomelem) a now revived language spoken in what we call British Columbia, by various local nations.

If you'd like to learn more about my counselling practice click the button below  


I believe in the teachings of the natural world and how diversity is an important and natural component of our experience of being human. To access a map of B.C's first nations click the link below:
Map of First Nation Territories